1:07-1:38 am
Day24.
It’s 1:07 am and I’m too excited about life to sleep. No, I haven’t been drinking. In fact, this is an incredible feat for many reasons, one of them being that in my old age (insert awkward laughter here) I’m not longer up past midnight without a real good reason.
I should be exhausted after today. Instead I need to unload my thoughts from my brain. I’ve had a revelation. I’m happy in Seattle. After talking with Dad today and relishing in his fountain of wisdom, I had some things to ponder. Dad challenged me to look for something that will make me grow in the next year. He pointed out that I’ve had some adventures already, with Italy and then hopefully Portugal coming up, I’ve done that. While it’s not all bad to have more adventures, in fact hardly bad at all, Dad made the point that I know how to do the traveling thing. Moving somewhere for the sake of moving is something that would be difficult, yet something that I could also adjust to with relative ease. It would be purely an adventure; not so much a conscious attempt to grow as a woman of God. While I love the thought and possibility of picking up and moving, I’m not sure that’s what I really want and/or need in life right now.
The fact is, as anxious and restless I may be about the future, I love numerous aspects of my life right now. I have some of the best relationships with people that I’ve ever had. I have incredible women as roommates and friends right now. And not many of them are leaving next year. I also have a church that I am proud to call home and look forward to going to on Sundays. There’s a pastor that makes me think and really is reconnecting me with God. With looking ahead to the fall, it’s been easy to think “right now is the best time to do something like this, pack up and leave and see what happens.” However it dawned on me, quite abruptly, that now is the time to cherish these incredible relationships. The next 6 months and year will be different, there’s no denying that. But maybe then I don’t need to be as radical as I might think. Perhaps staying put would be more of a challenge than moving around for me. I could live in Seattle, keep nurturing these relationships in a more focused way, grow in my faith with God, work to pay bills, and still start devoting my time and myself to something greater and harder than I necessarily want in order to push myself.
Tonight has solidified my conversation with my dad a bit more. I got home after a long day of going, going, going from 8:30am to 9 pm. Not that unusual in the college life nowadays, nonetheless draining. I walk in the door to Sara and Kels chatting. My first thought was actually, “crap, I’m not going to sneak, shower and go to bed anytime soon.” My mind then begrudgingly switched to gearing up for another hour of chit chat before anything in the unwind department would occur.
Thank goodness I’m wrong. Instead, I was rewarded by their love and compassion, laughter, and conversation. Sara soon had to get to work, but Andrea walked in and soon her, Kels, and I had sat down and started discussing rings and weddings. Much more fun when you don’t have to answer any questions yourself. A bit later Em came home and joined us. Talking with Kels got me excited about the possibility of her getting married come August, and hopefully living up here. I realized that I don’t really want to miss out on seeing her and Brandon grow as a married couple, and to be honest, for the entertainment it would provide. Sitting with these girls, I saw how much I’ve come to love and appreciate Andrea, and can’t quite imagine not living with her next year while know it’s an option (meaning she’s not married yet). Same thing with Em. I realize that we’re all at a point in life where I want to be here cheering each other on as life twists and turns and these are the people I want by my side as I hop on the ride too.
I hope that Katie is a part of my life in some way, shape, or form but I think it’s an unspoken in many forms that the next year may find us apart from her. I hope and pray that it would be a good/growing thing for our relationship. And if we do get to keep living together, I hope that without school in the equation we could both pour more into our relationship rather than being the courteous old married couple we are now. Another thought for another day.
Another thing, I don’t see grad school happening in the next year of my life. However it probably will be soon and odds are good that it could mean moving when the time comes. The thought came to me today, “what if I move somewhere next year, apply for a school somewhere else and the next year am in another place for 2 years. That’s time that I’m not with all these people I love. And three years is way more than one year in a place, and two more years apart from people than I think I’m willing to be right now.” I got so sad when I thought about how these next few months literally could be the final chapter of my relationship with people. Not in a sad, depressing way, just in a way of knowing that three years means a lot in our lives right now when a lot of huge transitions are already naturally occurring. And yes, three years is exaggerating, however I do feel like that’s a reality I would have to consider if I leave Seattle now. There’s also the reality of ‘if I leave, would I ever come back?’
I don’t think this has determined anything about the near future of my life. However, today I’ve rethought my priorities a bit. I feel like today was preparing me to think in a better light about what the next year may hold. It’s not been a day of solving all these crazy things. God used today to tell me to take a breath, step back and look at the bigger picture before running and blindly jumping off a cliff into the unknown…as fun as that may be.
